I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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