Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
