my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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