We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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