I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
