Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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