My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
