K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
