you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
