Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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