So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
