just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
