I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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