My liver just broke up with me...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
