Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Randomize
