i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
