In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
