i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
please come you make the beer taste better
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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