oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
