I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
