You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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