Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
