Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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