I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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