the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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