opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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