here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
