dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
