I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
