There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
