I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize