He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
