You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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