I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
