I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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