she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
