So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I would fuck him just for his dog
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
