Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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