Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Shitshow foam night was such a success
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
