i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
