how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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