So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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