It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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