So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
