If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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