wanna go halves on a baby?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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