Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
