Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
did you just send me my own nude
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
