Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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