Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
