I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
