when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
