I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
