too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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