I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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