Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
