If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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