first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
