Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
