oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
