a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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