I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Randomize