How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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