those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
