When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
how does that bad decision feel?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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